We all know that multiple sclerosis is basically an overachieving chaos generator, hellbent on making life a never-ending game of "Guess What's Gonna Malfunction Today?" But let's be honest—it does hand out some truly unique abilities.
If only they were useful. Instead, I've been gifted with a set of "superpowers" that range from inconvenient to outright ridiculous. So, in the spirit of making the best out of a bad situation (or at least roasting it to hell and back), here are the worst superpowers MS has blessed me with.
The Lightning Rod (Lhermitte's Sign)
This symptom I picked up from a relapse a few weeks ago. It's taken the number one spot on my shit-list of most hated MS symptoms.
Move over, Thor. When I bend my neck the wrong way, and it doesn't take much, I get hit with an electric shock that starts at the base of my neck, travels down my spine and out my feet. Like I just got hit by lightning. It's like my nervous system decided to become a taser from Temu, except instead of warding off attackers, it just makes me look like I'm short-circuiting.
Bonus points for when it happens in public and people think I've suddenly discovered the meaning of life mid-sneeze.
Unintentional Dance Party Mode (Leg Tremors)
Who needs rhythm when your legs just start twitching in perfect sync on their own? MS has turned my lower half into a malfunctioning animatronic, and I have zero control over when it decides to put on a show. It's like my nervous system signed me up for a dance battle, and I wasn't informed until my legs started doing the Macarena unprovoked. I'd make RayGun jealous. At this point, I should just start carrying a tip jar.
The Surprise Floor Hugger (Balance & Coordination Issues)
Gravity and I used to be on good terms. Not anymore. Now, walking across a perfectly flat surface can turn into an Olympic event. Stairs? A high-stakes gamble. And let's not forget the classic "tripping over absolutely nothing" move, which I've mastered to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm being haunted by a ghost with a grudge. If my body's going to make me randomly collapse, the least it could do is make it look dramatic enough to get some sympathy points.
The Phantom Numbness (Limbs Gone Rogue)
Ever wanted a front-row seat to your own limbs staging a rebellion? With MS, you never know when your hand will suddenly forget how to grip or when your leg will decide walking is optional. One minute, you're functioning like a normal human; the next, you're dropping things, wobbling like a poorly assembled IKEA chair, or doing an unplanned interpretive dance routine just trying to stay upright.And just when you think the fun is over, the sensation comes back with a vengeance—because what's better than numbness? A sudden, electrified explosion of pins and needles that makes you question every life choice. It's the neurological equivalent of your body buffering and then overcompensating in the most dramatic way possible.
The Human Lava Lamp (Rapid Temperature Cycles)
Most people go about their day with a body that naturally regulates temperature. Meanwhile, mine operates like a toddler playing with a light switch—heat on, heat off, heat on, heat off. One minute, I'm radiating enough warmth to heat a small village, the next, I'm shivering like I just got locked in a walk-in freezer. No warning, no logic, just some directing rage towards your B-Cells for the true jackasses they are.Brain Fog: The Memory Eraser
Superheroes usually have enhanced intelligence, right? Not me. Some days, my brain runs on the processing speed of a potato. Case in point: I started this blog post a few days ago… and then completely forgot about it. Not once, but multiple times. Walked away, got distracted by something shiny, and let it sit for hours until a random thought popped up like, "Oh right, I was doing a thing." And then, of course, I forgot about it again.The Midnight Cramp Factory (Leg & Foot Spasms)
Who needs sleep when your legs decide to cramp up like you've been moonlighting as a marathon runner? Just as you're about to drift off, your muscles seize up—like your nervous system took something you did really personal and is now waging an all-out rebellion. It's as if a toddler got write permissions to the source code and is flipping switches at random, just to be an asshole. One minute, all systems are go, the next, it's all chaos and regret.
Luckily, this one isn't a frequent visitor anymore, thanks to a solid mix of meds and vitamins. But when it does show up, it's just another reminder that my body's operating system was apparently programmed by a sleep-deprived raccoon with no quality control.
The Thing (Tremors)
Some people can paint tiny, intricate details. I can too—maybe. Well, it depends. Some days, I can barely hold a cup without turning the floor into a crime scene. Other days, everything works fine, and I start questioning whether yesterday was just a fluke. And then there are the days where I get so frustrated I just throw in the towel—today's a wash, we'll try again tomorrow. Because apparently, consistency is too much to ask for.My left hand, in particular, has a mind of its own. I swear it has Tourette's and acts purely out of spite. A friend even named it The Thing, and honestly, she nailed it.
The tremor was actually the first big clue that something was off. At first, it was just a minor annoyance—like, huh, that's weird. Guess I'm just getting old. But while trying to figure out why my hand had suddenly decided to go rogue, I started realizing MS had been quietly speedrunning symptoms for years. I just wasn't paying attention to catch the impending plot twist.
The Itch That Can't Be Scratched (Pathologic Itching)
Ever had an itch so deep under your skin that scratching does absolutely nothing? MS, in its infinite sense of humor, decided to gift me with phantom itches—courtesy of nerves misfiring like a Windows update gone wrong. No amount of scratching helps because the problem isn't the skin—it's the absolute dumpster fire that is my immune system's wiring.If you haven't figured it out yet, My Immune System is an Asshole isn't just a catchy phrase—it's a fact. This shit sucks, often and without warning. But we roll with it, deal with whatever nonsense it throws at us, and cautiously await tomorrow's bullshit grab bag. Because hey, it can't get worse… right? Said none of us ever...
The Insomnia Insult
I'm exhausted. All the time. But can I sleep? Nope. Instead, my brain treats nighttime like an all-hands meeting, complete with a highlight reel of bad decisions, an existential deep dive into the meaning of life, and a completely unnecessary analysis of how penguins stay warm. You know, the really critical 3 a.m. discussions that apparently can't wait until morning.A few days ago, right before bed, I meant to take a gummy to help sleep. But did I grab one on my way to bed? No idea. Better go grab another one, come back and realize it was actually two stuck together. No problem, I'll just eat one and set the other on the nightstand for later. Then, naturally, I get sidetracked with a few side quests—flipping through TV channels, doomscrolling, contemplating the lifespan of jellyfish. Thirty minutes later, I glance at the nightstand, see the gummy, and think, Oh right, I was gonna take a gummy, and down it goes.
And that's the moment my brain starts doing the math. Ohhh did I just take three?? One, no problem, two still manageable, three?? Well, I'll just sleep really good and hopefully not get up.
The Mood Swing Amusement Park (Anxiety & Depression)
Ever wanted to experience every emotion at once for absolutely no reason? Good news—MS and my brain chemistry have that covered. One minute, I'm perfectly fine. The next, I'm spiraling into an existential crisis over something completely ridiculous, like whether I should reorganize my bookshelves at 2 a.m. because what if future me needs a more efficient system for finding books I won't actually read?It's like your emotions are controlled by a bored intern who randomly spins a giant mood wheel. Will I be irrationally sad over a mildly inconvenient sock wrinkle? Uncontrollably irritated at the way my phone charger is looking at me? Overcome with nostalgia for a TV show I haven't watched in a decade? Who knows! Spin the wheel and find out. Gotta keep it interesting.
Conclusion: Worst. Superpowers. Ever.
If I'm getting stuck with these so-called "abilities," I'd like a refund—or at least a model that doesn't glitch out every five minutes. And yes, I have the receipts, asshole. Instead of something remotely useful, like x-ray vision or the ability to fly, I get Pro-Level Floor Tripping and Surprise Limb Rebooting. One second, your walking just fine, the next, your legs decide they're on strike for the day, and suddenly, I'm starring in my own comedy.So tell me—what's the absolute worst 'superpower' MS has dumped on you? And do we think I can trade mine in for something less of a pain in the ass?